Seeach Sod - Approaches and Methods

Building Trust: A Keystone in Childhood Development

By: Dr. Leah Shlomo,

developmental and educational psychologist at Seeach Sod

In his book, Ohel Yaakov V'Leah, Rabbi Shlanger writes about the faith that the Creator has in the human beings he created:

"This trust makes it possible to forge a bond between the omnipotent Creator and us, his insignificant creatures. Trust bridges the distance and assures usthatthe Creator does not relate only to a human being's insufficiencies, but rather He values man for the potential hidden within him and for his future perfection.A bond built upon this basis ignites a strong desire within man to reach the perfection that the Creator wills him to achieve, as every creature strives to achieve the purpose of his existence. "

It's essential that as parents,we recognize that this very principle applies as well to the trust that a mother has in her child – this is how a person's character is developed. Parents and educators are messengers of the Creator and they need to follow his ways – to believe in the new generation they are raising, to look at the workings of the child's soul and to speak to him while seeing his inner essence and not just his external actions.

"By doing so, the child will realize that he has great powers hidden inside of him, an inner drive to spiritual elevation – and that's what will spur his growth. It says in Bamidbar, 11:12, "Kasher yisa ha'omen es hayonek" – there is an allusion here that having faith (alluded in the word ha'omen) in a child means to raise him up (yisa) towards perfection and not let him get mired in his deficiencies. The power of trust is such that through it, he can discover that he has vast potential for greatness. "

The Hebrew word for mother, Ima, is derived from the root word "imun" – trust, for that is the central role of a mother, putting her trust in her child; therein lies her tremendous power. A mother's trust in her child is like a magnet that draws out all the good hidden within her child.

Believing in Hashem and Believing in our Child; What's the Connection?

As believing Jews, we have a powerful inner awareness of the Creator's existence, even though in essence this truly defies human logic because Hashem's existence is concealed. So too, we must have trust in our child, which means maintaining an awareness of the goodness and potential inherent in the child, even if we cannot see it yet.

Thus, a mother's job to develop trust in her child is first and foremost adjusting her thoughts and perceptions of her child. "Sof maaseh b'machshavah techillah" – all other actions and interactions will be an outcome of her thoughts.

Putting trust in a child effects a powerful change in the mother-child relationship. The mother turns from being a dependent child to an individual who knows he can be relied on, whose attributes are valued and he will be eager to prove his maturity and independence to the greatest extent possible.

The positive transformation that can occur in a child as a result of his mother putting her trust in him can be nothing short of astounding! And it doesn't really matter what the child's basic qualities are. She just needs to readjust her lens, act according to her renewed perception and the results will speak for themselves!

Believe in Yourself so that You can Believe in your Child

Before elaborating on parental trust in a child, let us first talk about parents' trust in themselves. The modern world we live in spurs a great deal of parental guilt. These guilty feelings serve to undermine parental authority, which perpetuates a vicious cycle of even more guilt and negativity. It is therefore essential for parents to boost their self-confidence and trust in their parenting abilities; only then can we foster true trust in our children.

With bolstered confidence, a parent will no longer be overcautious and give in to her child's demands time and again. She will demonstrate to her child, set down expectations, and try to guide him up to a higher rung of personal development, all the while emphasizing her love and her trust in the child's capabilities. These factors will prod him on to overcome challenges and aim for success. This is true in normal situations as well as in situations where the child suffers from developmental problems, behavioral issues, or anxiety. Encouraging, complimenting, and emphasizing the child's strong points – all these help the child develop into a happy, optimistic and successful person, each in accordance to his/her abilities.

Building self-assurance and expressing genuine trust in the child is the first step towards change.

Believing in a Child with Special Needs

When a child is born with a handicap, the mother, even if she has a lot of experience from raising their other children, and even if she happens to be an expert in one of the childhood development areas, all her experience and skills seem to disappear as she is faced with a new, daunting brand of motherhood. In such a case, parents need to learn how to slowly and patiently rebuild their self-confidence and parental abilities; only then will they be able to do the internal work needed to change their perception of the child.

When the child is exposed to the world around him, he starts to reflect his feelings through various means – words, touch, and facial expressions. This reinforces the child's awareness of his feelings and helps him convey his feelings in a clear and perceptible manner. This cognizance of emotions nurtures the child's trust in himself, in his parents, and in the world around him. And in a full-circle effect, his actions will also boost his parents' self-confidence since they will realize that their efforts are paying off, so they must be doing something right.

Of course, the path to building mutual trust is strewn with many an obstacle. It's a gradual process and it's important to remember that no success was ever achieved without difficulties and setbacks. As Shlomo Hamelech tells us in Mishlei: "A righteous person falls seven times and gets up each time". When a person suffers repeated downfalls and he stands up each time, dusts himself off and forges on – this is what turns him into a man of greatness. When one struggles with obstacles and tackles them courageously, this enables him to overcome them, resulting in a powerful feeling of triumph that gets embedded in his spirit. A little toddler learning how to walk keeps on falling and keeps on getting up with unrelenting determination. Similarly, a mother must pursue her goal of changing her perception of her child, with singular determination; even if she faces downturns, she should continue forging on towards her goal of building solid trust in her child.

There are no Chances without Taking Chances

Anyone who does not have the courage to change will not be able to succeed. We should not be afraid of failure. Failure is not something peripheral, a minor detail that may crop up along the road to progress; failure is an essential part of the journey! Our sages tell us: "A person does not master words of Torah unless he struggled with them in the beginning". Rav Tzadok Hakohen of Lublin said that this is true regarding all aspects of spirituality – there is no spiritual growth if there is no struggle preceding it!

A person should never view himself through the lens of failure. We need to learn to make a separation between failure and our essence: "When I fail, it is not the end of the world. I need to try again, perhaps with a new method and eventually I'll succeed." We need to internalize an attitude that downfalls can be a platform for growth and that, with willpower and faith we can look towards a better future.

At the same time, we need to avoid seeking perfection, but rather we should aim for a feeling of perfection, of wholeness. Let's stop grieving our shortcomings and let's start understanding that the Master Creator created each one of us with our own, unique inner landscape. Whatever we are and whatever our children are – that is exactly how Hashem wanted us to be.

When a parent knows that he is not alone and he learns how to help himself instead of wallowing in negativity, he will impart these messages to his child. The child will be confident, putting his trust and faith in the One Above.

Of course, it's easier – relatively speaking – when you're dealing with a "regular child" and parents only have to use their natural intuition when raising him. The real challenge is when a mother needs to reaffirm her own self-confidence as a mother of a child with special needs. When this confidence is achieved, her feelings of shame, guilt and failure dissipate, enabling her to build trust in her child, help him progress in all aspects and be proud of him. Now that's a big achievement!